I Didn't Sign Up For This
by Konstantinsen
Summary: Itami knows it's part of the job. It's part of his job as a member of the JSDF. But even he has to admit that being in a war zone against medieval forces can be just as damaging as getting shot by a bullet. (A series of related anecdotes dealing with the effects of Itami's fragile psyche on his comrades.)
1. Chapter 1 - Cracked

Itami found the blue skies welcoming. He returned the salutes given him by the patrolling sentries and nodded at those who were out on their morning jog. He had asked to complete his tour in this foreign land that he was beginning to call home and the higher-ups were at least willing to grant his request.

"Captain," a young private saluted as he occupied a small table in one of the tents.

"At ease."

The soldier—who looked a lot like a younger version of himself—returned to his chair which was surprisingly not too far. Compared to him, he was combat ready. Itami adjusted his beret and leaned back to read the letters from home. No internet here.

Itami heard a faint beeping noise and turned his head to see the soldier angrily muttering at his phone. "No signal reception," he crowed.

The younger man straightened himself. "I guess that is so, captain."

Itami sighed. "At ease. Come on. I'm tired of getting the stiffs from you guys."

The private laughed. "Thank you, sir."

"How long have been stationed here?"

"Since Alnus Hill."

Itami raised his brow. Alnus Hill? He didn't seem to remember him there. Then again, it was hard to remember most of anything at all given the quick succession of events over the past year. There were still skirmishes and still more political intrigue but at least the SDF was ever more welcome in the lands of the Empire.

"You were with the relief team, weren't you?"

"Came in to cover for you guys, remember? Running logistics, resupply and all that."

"So you were with us. Here now, gone later, huh."

"Been there and to a lot of places. Seen my share of things I'd never want to think about right now." The private sounded tired but he still kept up his mien. "To be honest, captain, I didn't sign up for this."

"Oh? What did you sign up for?"

He shrugged. "I don't know, sir. To be able to help, I guess?"

"You're helping."

"By sitting here?" The man laughed. "I'm waiting for orders to deploy, sir. I've been waiting since last week."

"It's part of it," Itami replied with a smile. "You'll get used to it. It's part of the service."

"Is this what you were expecting, captain?"

"No. Not at all. There were ups and downs and a lot of things I'm not really proud of. But I'm glad to have been a part of it."

The private looked confused. "You don't regret anything?"

Itami shook his head. "I do. I have regrets. I have many regrets." He sighed and the smile momentarily disappeared from his face, replaced by a weak grin that he flashed to the outside. "I still feel guilty for all the casualties we inflicted. It just feels like...overkill."

"But that's part of the job, isn't it?"

A soft laugh. "That is true. You suck it up and march forward."

"Is that how you take to all the dead, captain?" The private stiffened at Itami's gaze. "I mean no offense, sir."

The captain nodded. "The tally can go all the way up to a hundred thousand. It's disturbing. But you don't see the men underneath the uniforms—or in this case, the plate and mail. All you see is just the armor. Shapes with swords on horses. Shapes that will kill you if you don't kill them." He saw the private was captivated and continued. "It was an active engagement. We were skirting war and it was fair game at the time."

"Seems like it still is."

"You just follow orders, private. That's what I did."

"And get used to feeling guilty, huh," the private added somberly. "You don't get nightmares from that, sir? PTSD?"

"You get used to it," he replied quietly, eyes skimming over the letters.

"Even all the blood, the dead, and the mess that you know you've caused?"

"Yep."'

"It's part of the job, huh, captain?"

Itami silently agreed.

* * *

 **ORIGINALLY DRAFTED: March 4, 2017**

 **LAST EDITED: March 4, 2017**

 **UPLOADED: March 4, 2017**

* * *

 **NOTE: Hi. I'm not eager to jump into the fandom but this series has piqued my interest. I wrote this up while waiting for my lunch to boil. Hope you like it. Let me know what you think of it.**


	2. Chapter 2 - Broken

**NOTE: Thought I might play around some more. By the way, this chapter might get dark. I'm trying something different.**

* * *

 _Eyes. Dead eyes. That is all she sees, staring into what she believes is Death incarnate. The the bloodless face smiles; wrinkled skin peels all the way to the earlobes while jagged yellow teeth greets her in a menacing grin._

 _She deflects its arms with her bayonet but it still grasps for her. She shoots it away but to no avail. More come from behind it, all draped in the glistening breastplate of the Imperial Army. Their faces are shrouded in shadows, pairs of red dots piercing her sight. She glances ahead and feels her heart stop—her very own image now bearing the sadistic smile of a killer without conscience._

 _That is not her, she tells her self. She is not a monster. She is not a psychopath. She is a controlled, professional soldier. Then she feels something cold grip her shoulders. Her weapon is gone from her hands._

 _She opens her mouth to scream_

Shino Kuribayashi gasped awake in her bunk. She raised her hands, looking at the sweat glistening on her palms. Her breathing steadied as she studied the callouses on her fingers, the crumpled folds in the skin from using her battle rifle so much. She dropped her head back onto her pillow when she felt her heart ease back to the normal rate of fifty-per-minute.

She wiped her forehead. She tossed aside her blanket to feel colder. Her whole body was drenched, her army shirt and shorts sticking to her skin.

"It was just a dream. Just a dream," she quietly chanted. Another damn nightmare, if she was really honest with herself. They just wouldn't stop.

Again, she ran her the back of her hand across her cheeks and felt the drying moisture of her own sweat. She swung her legs over her bunk and dropped down to the floor. The rest of the barracks was quiet save for a few snores. She gracefully made her way to the end where she isolated herself in the lavatory.

Shino eyed her own reflection in the mirror after splashing her face with the water flowing from the tap.

"Get a grip, damn it. You're a soldier, not a mental patient," she growled.

 _Click._

What was that? Kuribayashi snapped her head to where she heard the sound.

 _Click._

There it was again. Slowly, she tiptoed to the meager space outside the restroom. Light was shining from the open storage closet. Who could be in there at this time of night?

 _Click._

It sounded like someone was feeding bullets into a magazine. Could it be one of her comrades, stocking up on ammunition just in case? She couldn't be too sure. She had to investigate.

 _Click. Clack._

Shino was inches from the open door. She could see the person's shadow illuminated on the floor. It was a man. She felt her heart race again. What was a man doing in the women's barracks? That would only spell trouble, especially if it was some pervert private who somehow got in.

 _Click._

"Who's there?" she demanded in her most authoritative tone.

"I could hear you from outside, Kuribayashi."

She leaped in front of the doorway, eyes sizing up her commanding officer sitting on a pile of metal boxes, idly feeding seven-six-twos into an empty magazine. "Captain!?"

"You were thrashing on your bed."

Kuribayashi stared. "W-what are you doing here?"

Itami looked up at her for the first time. "I don't even know the answer to that."

She simply gawked. This was skirting protocol and the many unspoken rules that went with it. What the hell was her direct superior even doing here out of all places on the base? There had to be something reasonable for that. There had to be. The captain was almost always professional. Almost always.

"Captain?" She was aware of what she looked like and it was both embarrassing and humiliating. Not to mention how mortified she was feeling at how much skin was on display. "Permission to speak freely?"

"Permission granted."

"What the hell are you doing here!? You're not supposed to be here! H-how did you even get in here?"

Itami chuckled. It was a different sort of chuckle that she normally heard. Rather, it was soft, humorless, grim. He kept feeding more bullets into the magazine until it could take no more. He stacked it next to the assortment of battle rifles tucked on the rack and reached behind him to collect another to continue the mind-numbing process.

"C-captain?"

"Relax, Kuribayashi. You'll wake everyone up." He looked up at her again. And it terrified her. This was not the Itami she served under. No, it _was_ him. He was just different. Scary. Frightening. Like in her dreams. "I'll be gone before dawn. Just can't sleep, that's all."

She gulped. She did not like the way the shadows formed under his eyes. "I see."

"The Americans have this mantra," he suddenly began. "It's an old practice that they drill into their recruits as soon as they get their guns." Itami reached for one of the rifles, loaded the magazine, and flicked the safety off.

Kuribayashi froze when he aimed it at her.

"If I recall correctly, it goes something like this. 'This is my rifle. Without it, I am useless. Without me, it is useless.' I forgot the rest." He pulled the clasp all the way, chambering the bullet. "Is this yours?"

She was too stunned to speak. Instead, she frantically shook her head. What was her direct superior doing? Was he insane? Has he lost his mind? This _cannot_ be him. This _isn't_ him!

"C-captain, you're n-need to stop."

Itami laughed. Again, it was humorless. It sent shivers down her immobile spine. He removed the clip and released the bullet from the chamber, the shell clattering against the grated floor. The rifle was replaced on the rack and the rest of the magazines were tucked into an open ammunition box on the shelf.

Shino was still paralyzed when he brushed passed her. She dared to look up only to hear his words resound into her ear, "That'll kill your nightmares. Go back to bed, soldier."

She watched him leave the barracks, his shadow disappearing into the moonless night. It took her another five minutes to recollect herself before she climbed back into her bunk and forced herself to sleep. Needless to say, the rest of it was dreamless.

* * *

The following morning, as she made her rounds around the base, Shino caught the distinct olive green beret bouncing above the tents. She stood stiff and peered until her eyes caught Itami's haphazard glance. Suddenly, he too stopped dead in his tracks to lock his gaze fully on hers. Those same eyes were still there. Haunting. Dead.

The way he smiled was unsettling.

Kuribayashi made sure to personally lock the door to their barracks later that evening.

* * *

 **ORIGINALLY DRAFTED: March 7, 2017**

 **LAST EDITED/UPDATED: March 10, 2017**

 **INITIALLY UPLOADED: March 8, 2017**

 **NOTE: Did I do a good job of breaking Itami? Also, does anyone remember that scene from _Full Metal Jacket_? Yeah. Let me know what you guys think about this second one.**


	3. Chapter 3 - Shattered

**NOTE: I can't help myself. I keep getting ideas.**

* * *

"Akira."

Akira Tomita turned to see his comrade beckoning him over to the vacant table in the corner. Two tankards frothing at the brim were waiting for them. He quick took his place opposite her. "I got your message. What is it?"

Shino Kuribayashi sported a look that worried him. Her eyes darted between the mixed population of patrons busying themselves in their cliques. All of whom did not even bother to bat an eye in their direction. Which was perfect.

"Is something going on?" Tomita pressed, eyeing the distress that betrayed her mien. Already, she was going through half her drink before she opened her mouth.

"You noticed something...different...about the captain?"

"Itami?"

"Yeah. Like, anything really...weird?"

Tomita scratched his stubble. She was going somewhere sensitive with this. "None that I recall. Why? Did something happen?"

"No, no. Not that. It's just that..." Kuribayashi darted her eyes back and forth. No eavesdroppers. Delilah and everyone else were busy attending to some drunken beast folk arguing over something trivial. She sighed. "I think he's...snapped."

She caught the way his face changed and she knew exactly that he was aware of it. He shook his head at her then turned away. "What did he do this time?"

Shino did not mean to rant but when she was done, she felt much lighter at the expense of the petrified reaction that remained cemented on Akira's face. "He could have shot me, you know?"

"Itami," he breathed as he buried his head in his hands. "What the hell..."

"Maybe you can talk some sense into him," Kuribayashi continued. "I don't want to bring this up to the brass. You know what they're going to do if they label him a head case."

Tomita leaned against the cushion lining the bench. His shoulders slumped, making Shino feel slightly guilty at how much stress she put him under. "You do know that we have to let Kurokawa in on this. "

"I know, I know. You think we should have a little squad meeting? Without the captain, of course."

"This feels so...underhanded."

Shino let out a stifled groan. "This is for his own good, damn it." Her chin dropped to her arms on the table. Talking about this was tiring but she had to get it of her chest. "I know I haven't been his best friend and all that but...I don't want to see him this way. This is not how a squad leader should act. Have you heard what they're planning for him? Can you try and get his head straight, at least?"

"I hear you." For the first time in a week, Tomita downed some Special Region ale. "Shino, I'll try. But I'm not making any promises. If things don't go the way they should go, then we have to report to the brass."

"I don't want to do that just yet," she replied.

Tomita peered at her. "Shino, look at me."

It took her awhile but when she did, she looked just as stressed as the General Hazama's staff.

"We can't hide this forever."

"You think I didn't know that?" she croaked.

* * *

Captain Akira Yanagida found his counterpart sitting on the bench, one of many lining the outdoor porch of the clinic, staring at the moon. The major-to-be did not seem to register his presence even after he set his crutch between them.

"If that was the sun, you'd burn your eyes out," he remarked.

Itami grunted. Another moment of silence followed. Yanagida stretched back with a loud grunt, noting that he was still ignored. It took another minute for him to receive a response. Even then, it came off as a bit too hostile for such a laid back individual. "Akira, what do you want?"

"We'll both be promoted soon. Congratulations."

"Thanks. What else?"

Yanagida tilted his head. Enough with beating around the bush. Itami's conduct during his most recent sorties confirmed the suspicions of the base's staff of physicians. Itami was a good man, he could not deny that. And he had to admit that he was challenged to meet his level after all the hard work he put into his job. However, he was beginning to consider the possible consequences of all that effort.

"I heard you just came out of an operation in Elbe," Akira began.

"Yeah. We did."

"How did it go?"

Itami slowly turned his head towards him and for a moment Yanagida could read something troublesome in those dry, weighted eyes. "Read the paperwork. It's all in there."

"There's more to it, I'm sure."

"Zolzal is amassing another army. We caught some of his agents in the AO trying to spur up some trouble. Need I tell you what you already know?"

It was scratching the surface and Yanagida knew it. If Itami wanted to, he would have lied straight to his face. In fact, he might right now. "What did you do to the agents?" He had to repeat his inquiry three times before he received another dry—and disturbing—reply.

"Let's just say that they wouldn't be a problem anymore."

"Captain Itami, do not tell me that you breached—"

"General Hazama approved it. I was the only JSDF operative in the area and even then nobody knew that. It worked in everyone's favor in the end."

Yanagida furrowed his brow. "You went in alone? You didn't even bring your squad?"

"They were not needed."

"And Rory? Lelei? Did they volunteer?"

"They did. But they're not here right now."

"How could the general give such an order?" Akira snapped. "You're too valuable to be a deniable asset! We had better teams on hand for that kind of wet work. You're not invincible, captain! I don't want to mark you as a casualty—"

Itami met the surprise on his face with a glare that froze the blood in his veins. "You think I care at this point?"

Yanagida slumped back against the wall. He steadied his breathing and, just like the man beside him, stared up at the crescent moon. Itami has changed over the past couple years. He was beginning to wonder whether or not his laissez-faire behavior was a facade to conceal whoever really was inside him. The otaku was becoming a front for something more serious.

Then he remembered. He picked up his crutch and limped away. He would have to look into Itami's medical records. His mother was a confirmed head-case but he had to dig deeper. Action needed to be done else they would end up with a problem that could spiral out of control if not contained.

"How's Combat Group Four?" Itami suddenly asked.

Yanagida stopped mid-stride. "They're all in good shape. The only casualty was a stubbed toe."

"Guess the pirates didn't put up much of a fight."

"They were docked. Our men did well. The Blue Sea is safe for now."

"Seems like handled your side of the ops well, don't you think?"

An exasperated sigh. "We're both career officers and field operatives, Youji. I don't just stay at the base all the time sorting through logistics."

An empty chuckle. "Do the dead bother you?"

"I've gotten used to it." He threw him a glance and saw nothing but a face hidden in the shadow of his own messy hair. "The both of us have."

* * *

The clinic in the red light district had closed for the day. However, light still shown through the blinds. The residents thought nothing of it; the JSDF had their ways of keeping order where and when needed so it was probably some sort of meeting between officers, right? Who could not ignore the group of green people that filtered through the door shortly before the working day was done?

Inside, Kurokawa lifted her head from her clipboard and nodded. Most of the pages had every box checked, every blank filled. "He _is_ showing the signs."

The rest of those present took a moment to register the thought. Their beloved commanding officer is officially loosing it. Kurokawa studied how solemn everyone was. It felt like a funeral.

"That's just my assessment," she continued as she glanced at the outpost's commander Major Nyuutabaru who appeared more controlled than apathetic to the unfolding diagnosis. "I could be wrong."

"Point taken," acquiesced Sergeant Major Souichirou Kuwahara, the direct subordinate to the captain of the JSDF's Third Recon Unit. "There's no denying what he's been up to recently."

"Does the captain not trust us anymore?" asked a hurt Takeo Kurata.

"Doesn't he?" Kuribayashi butted. "He pointed a loaded gun at my face! He could have shot me!"

Tomita sighed as he pinched the bridge of his nose. "Blank stares, random fits of anxiety, dark humor. Has he always been like this? Why now?"

Furuta shook his head. "Even asking Rory is getting nowhere. Lelei had just been summoned back to Rondel and wouldn't be staying there for another week or two. And Tuka...she's busying herself with helping around town. Feeling a little down, though. Can't see why, having been ordered to stay at base."

"Did you read the reports?" Shino pressed. "I don't think Rory's the cause of most of the casualties in those missions."

"It's hard to believe that she isn't," snarked Kurokawa.

"And the captain?" Kurata added. "He keeps going solo. Even without Rory tagging along."

There was a long silence before Kuribayashi, Kurata, Tomita, and Hitoshi were chorusing their worry to a silent Nyuutabaru that the revered Captain Youji Itami had developed a severe case of PTSD. Or worse.

* * *

 **ORIGINALLY DRAFTED: March 11, 2017**

 **LAST EDITED/UPDATED: March 17, 2017**

 **INITIALLY UPLOADED: March 11, 2017**

 **NOTE: I need to stop. I have other fics to write.**


	4. Chapter 4 - Gone

"Espionage was never my strong suit," Sergeant Mari Kurokawa admitted, adjusting the hem of her dress to conceal much of her cleavage.

"I joined the SDF so I wouldn't have to do _this_ back home," Sergeant Shino Kurobayashi growled from behind the bar top. She kept herself busy with the empty glasses on the rack, visibly refusing to be seen in this backwater tavern in one of the shadiest districts in this provincial trading hub. Her short frilly skirt and tight aproned tunic made for a horrible combination: too much skin on display, too little room for her diaphragm to properly function.

Kurokawa rounded the bar and hefted four empty tankards from the shelf next to her fellow agent's head. From below, Kurobayashi allowed a slight guffaw as to how the team's medic had managed to maintain such a deceptive mien even as she knew she was uncomfortable with what they had to wear just to keep their disguise.

"Help me with the food service, already," Mari moaned through her teeth.

Shino stifled a groan. She so hated her position right now. But certain circumstances demanded their duty no matter the context. She had to bite down her lip at the sneers she was starting to get from the more inebriated clientele. Even after getting a few hoots and toots from serving the drinks to the tables, she managed to hold it in.

"Cheer up, Shino," Mari egged, casually pushing away a leering drunk. "We're not having it that bad."

"Really?" Kurobayashi snarled, looking for the other two members of their team who were supposed to come through those doors hours ago. "Where the hell are those lunkheads?"

* * *

"I didn't sign up for this," Kuruta whined.

"Shut up and keep playing the disguise," Tomita groveled.

The two undercover SDF soldiers meandered carefully through the dwindling plebeian crowd, managing to stay away from the canal that happened to be where everyone dumped their wastes, organic and all.

"We have _trained spies_ for this!" Kuruta muttered amid a pained grimace borne from the aching in his toes for wearing these damned tight heels. "Why didn't the general send them instead?"

Tomita threw him a stern look over his shoulder. Or at least it looked stern underneath that thick make-up and lipstick. "Because his hands are tied. Now keep up or we'll blow our cover!"

"Oh, my," a deep voice crowed from one of the open windows. The woman—man?—blew a puff of smoke while a pair of hairy muscled arms loomed over the window sill. "Two new faces? My, my. The crime lords are getting busier and busier."

Kuruta and Tomita hoped that their humiliation did not show on their cheeks as they hurried past the pimp, their wooden heels clacking against the cobblestone as they passed the throngs of multi-racial prostitutes and their mix of clientele. They did not deny that some of them had bulges in places where they shouldn't. As discomforting as it was, at least it made their cover more believable. What was important was that they had the intel and that the girls would be waiting for them at the tavern. At least they were having it easy.

"At least we look pretty," Tomita said with a poor smile with the tavern coming into view.

"I don't want to think about it," Kuruta whinnied, lifting his dress so he could easily sprint to the front door. By then, he could finally wash all this make-up off his face. That and the all the hickeys.

* * *

Major Akira Yanagida limped on his single crutch to the board tacked on the wall. The red dots were now making sense as he added one more to the web of ribbons. It all started in Italica, then moved to Elbe, then to the other outlying settlements in the territories of the Empire's vassal states. He eased back to take in what they knew so far.

"We should have gone with him," Lelei muttered.

Yanagida craned his head to the table in the far corner. "We've done all we could."

"You don't draft soldiers, do you?" the mage inquired from his right. Her curious eyes studied the map. Pins marking where Captain Youji Itami was last seen, threads showing his movements.

"Not anymore," Akira replied.

"Not anymore?"

"I'm not in the mood to give you a history lesson, Lelei." He sighed, not wanting to opine on the precursor to the JSDF. "But to sate your curiosity, we used to rely on conscripts for a time. A long time ago. That's as much as I'll tell you right now."

"So Itami willingly joined."

Yanagida slumped back into his chair. On his desk was an open dossier and psychological profile of their rogue hero. "He was a volunteer like the rest of us. I didn't think he would end up like this. He was doing so well. What happened to him?"

Lelei eyed him for the first time in the day. "Knowing him, after three years of faithful service, there would be no doubt that he would break."

"And now we have to find him before he does anything stupid." The major paused to wipe his glasses and the sweat off the bridge of his nose. "Damn it. I didn't sign up for this."

* * *

 **ORIGINALLY DRAFTED: March 20, 2017**

 **LAST EDITED: July 24, 2017**

 **UPLOADED: July 24, 2017**

 **NOTE: I wanted to get this off my chest. And off my hard drive.**


End file.
